This questions has never been something I have really pondered before. I feel like I have so much direction in my life, I know what I want, I know how to get things, I am freakishly independent and self reliant. Long story short, I am a convert to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, which I love dearly and cherish that decision ever day, and well, there is a lot of responsibility and commitment that comes with it other then just showing up at church on sundays, and thus my brain has been begging me for answers.
Lately, I have been over analyzing life and existence, and the purpose, my purpose, as a tiny speck of dust on this giant planet we live on. Life in it's complexity is so unpredictable, so wavering, like flashes of lightning, things can come and go, change with the the winds and twirl about leaving us disoriented, but is'nt that what is so great about being alive?
I don't like being predictable, I don't like to plan out things and scribble in a notebook about my dreams, I would rather live them instead. I like to fill up a tank of gas with a few bucks in my pocket and hit the road without knowing where I will end up, what I will have to eat, who I will meet. I record intimate encounters and moments through my camera lens and splatter images across bare walls, the empty spaces like little voids waiting to be filed. I love to talk to strangers, the drunk homeless on the streets, the crazy guys on the shipping docks, the scantily clad woman outside the clubs. Maybe that is my problem, I am not judgmental to those people would usually scoff and disregard. I want to absorb their energy, learn their story, learn why they are alive. Like them, I don't want to just feel like another number, not a name.
I began to think that the culture I was brought up in, the way my family taught me to be seemed to sometimes clash with the ideas and lifestyle that the church teaches. Then I remember, it's is not the "Church" shaking their head at me when I stay too long at my best friends house playing video games because he's a guy and that is "wrong" its not the "Church" who tells me that blasting music and screaming like a wild child through the forest is loud and obnoxious and immature, its not the "Church" that makes me feel unworthy, it's just some people. People. Lets talk about people for a sec. For the past while I have been letting the ideas of "People" sway me from living the way I love to live because they made me feel ashamed of who I was, just because it didn't alignt with their upbringing and mindset, I realized what I knew all along. I live to please GOD and GOD alone. I want to be obedient to his commandments, and be obedient to those called by GOD to administer council, but I also am guided by the spirit, and If I feel like they are oppressing me for not living line by line to what THEY want, then I will do what I want. Some people like to live life by the books, i'd rather burn the books and chase the flames.
I love this church, and the guidance and light it bring in my life. I have been learning to become less sensitive to the way individuals, regardless their stature in the church, talk to me, about me. It's funny how the people you think you can trust the most can be ones that make you feel the least comfortable being alive, but I carry on. I have my family, my love, and the Gospel that is far more important then worrying about a few peoples petty opinions.
I have a testimony that is always growing, changing, learning, I want to be who I want to be.
I was taught to be free, to live as the moments come, to not fear the unknown, to live on a whim, to make big mistakes and learn big lessons, and so I shall.